"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"

Proverbs 16:9

One of my favorite verses! I first heard that verse the summer of 2000 working on the serve staff at Camp DeSoto in Metone, AL. I was totally out of my comfort zone and very homesick and that verse became one of my favorites!

I've had my whole life planned out....graduate highschool with highest honors, go to college at Miss State, pledge a sorority, meet my very best friends, meet my husband & get married, go to graduate school, have our first baby, become a stay-at-home-mom, and then grow our family. The last part is where things don't go according to my plan.

This past Monday, October 10, we lost of 4th baby to miscarriage. 4 miscarriages - that was NEVER part of MY plan!! I was so excited about this appointment. I was 12 weeks. We were going to start telling our friends and family that we were having our 3rd baby. I had had ultrasounds at 7 weeks, 8 weeks, 9 weeks, and 10 weeks. Everything was going perfectly - good growth and strong heartbeat.

I went to the appointment so optomistic. Chris stayed home and went on to work, and I took Jackson with me. I thought I would be in and out. Laying on that ultrasound table I thought I was having a bad dream. I was thinking, there is NO WAY this can be happening again!!! It was. I don't even know how I managed to get the words out to call Chris and my mom. I remember telling Chris that I was just so mad. He asked who I was mad at. I couldn't say it then and I'm ashamed to admit it now, but I was mad at God. (I have been so nauseous this entire pregnancy, don't want to eat but have to every 2 hours because my blood sugar keeps dropping, and I have been worthless. My boys are clueless, but I feel like they have missed out by not having me at 100%.) Of course now I am not mad at God at all. He is in control of my life and I will trust in Him commpletely.

Through my tears, I drove back home. The longest drive of my life, but I don't remember any of it. My mom said to me, "just let God drive you home" and that is exactly what I did. That day was so hard, but the days since have gotten a little easier.

This heart ache and loss has not been part of my plan, but it is His plan. I won't know the reasons why until I see Jesus face to face, but I just have to trust that His will is better than my own. I have gone back & forth about putting this on our blog. I decided that this is our life too. The not so fun part of our life!! It will be hard to look back on this and see how much I was hurting, but it will be awesome to see how God gets us through this...and HE WILL!!

I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. Please don't! I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have the most amazing family, a wonderful husband, two precious little boys, and great friends. Maybe God can use my story to reach out to someone going through something similar.